After three hours of delay we where finally close to our destination. I don’t remember anything from the trip, just that I woke up 20 min before our arrival to Barcelona and when I saw the bus station my heart started bumping so hard. I had no idea this experience is going to change all my life. As far as I know it was the best decision I made although it took a lot of courage to make it happen.
I saw my mom’s number on the screen. Sh** what will I tell her where am I ?, I started being nervous. I was staying in Barcelona for 4 days already before anybody close to me figure it out. All my friends were surprised by this decision. Hell, I was in shock too haha..
”What are you doing in Spain go back to Germany, are you out of your mind? “Vacation?!”
“Who the hell takes a vacation after few months of work?”, my mom had no words anymore and she was really upset.
Me, mom, I take vacation when ever I want, I replied disinterestedly. She was so upset and kept asking me when will I come back. I said nothing because I really didn’t know what will my next step be.
I was just calming her down and at the end of the call it seemed like she was hoping for me to come back to Germany. I was doing a couch surfing and stayed for 4 days in Theresa’s house while she was working and I had no chance to see her or to even go out, so I was condemned to explore the city by myself. She had many Spanish books, an entire library and I was so excited I had picked one and told her I will give her back as soon as I read one. Originally I planned to make a tour around the big cities in Spain. But when I saw my account I somehow decided to stay in Barcelona and just see what happens. Accordingly I just planned every few days to move around the city, know the people, explore the city and get know the culture. Therefore I was just taking long walks and trying to figure out how my new smartphone works. For the purpose of this trip I have bought very expensive phone. Honestly I needed one since for the last 2 years I had some weird phone.
So I have spent all my savings on a new phone. This phone later became my life saver.
I was still unaware that I just arrived to my dream destination. For more than 10 years I had a dream of traveling to Spain and practising my language skills. You would not believe how many people told me I speak Spanish like I am living here for 4 years or more. The truth was I was staying here for less than 3 weeks. My mind was so obsessed with the purpose and the life meaning that I forgot to really enjoy the moment. Frankly, I never enjoyed the moment up to this day. Always worried about the future, my thoughts taking me back to my past experiences. Probably it was normal my mind was shaking my persona if you remember in the previous post I have written about my failures. Man it was not easy to rise above all that bad experiences, and my thoughts were slowly killing me.
My ex was writing me not so often but every once in a while just to ask if I am ok. And then the burning question came.
“When are you coming back?
“This is not a place for you”.
“You will never make it here”.
This messages were all filled with negativity and I ignored them completely. Like he just pushed me to go away from him and now he wants me to come back. Why? Unsure of my feelings towards him I just decided I have to focus on myself and figuring out my life.
I just moved for the third time and went out to catch a metro. It was my second time using the metro and I was so bad at this. Nevertheless I kept going until one day I entered the metro and found my ray of sunshine. I hesitated while entering the metro not knowing which direction was I actually going. Then I saw a tall very skinny guy entering the almost empty metro after me when I stopped him and asked am I going in the right direction which he approved.
Pretty funny since I didn’t even know where exactly am I going. Somehow we sat one next to another and started talking .I had a small backpack with a big tail pendant which looked so real, when he started playing with it saying it was so cool what I am wearing. I was astonished by his reaction since every single person I knew hated the pendant and found that pendant too weird. We had a short meaningless discussion when we walked away from each other following our own different paths. Ofcourse I walked away with his number, which was so weird, it was my first encounter where I did not give my number I just took his.
Honestly I had no intention ever writing to him, I was just being nice and polite. Probably I won’t see him again so later on I will just delete his number anyway. I was in the search for life meaning and really wanted only peace without any kind of distraction. What I mean by that is no boys distraction. Still very wounded I just wanted to walk around without thinking without feeling any emotions, so sick of that crappy feelings. .
In one moment I decided to turn off my google maps and just listen my intuition when I was approaching one restaurant and saw a guy standing with the menu in his hands.
It would be nothing weird Barcelona was full of people if he didn’t seem so familiar.
I stood in one place and waited to see his face when he turned around and smiled.
I smiled back and thought o shit now I have to approach and say hello to him. He had this amazing eyes I felt like I am melting when he was staring at mine.
Certainly I felt something with him but didn’t want to admit it. I was still surprised we found each other again when there were so many people wandering around, and of all the restaurants on the street I picked this one to walk by. Barcelona was quite crowded especially in the summer.
We chatted shortly and I just wanted to run as soon as possible. Shortly after I received a message from one of my friend who was living in Barcelona and haven’t seen her since college, I sad bye and started walking rapidly while I still felt his eyes on me. My entire day was spent walking doing nothing. Not even thinking. Not feeling. Well maybe thinking on him. But man I didn’t want to think on anybody. I didn’t even think about my ex who dumped me few weeks ago. I guess the love was already gone and I didn’t feel anything, just empty space in my heart. My only companion those days was a person called Sadness. She took my hand and walked me everywhere she wanted me to go.
My memory was all blurry and I really don’t remember being in some special places, just walking like a lost puppy. The other day I went out with my friend and she showed me some cool places but we didn’t sit anywhere because she had to go to work and I was just feeling hopeless. I really had to start thinking about my future but the loud noises of the city kept me from doing that. And then we went together to say bye to each other when I turned around and saw him. Again. He was so sweet with his puppy eyes and an adorable smile.
But I said to myself you are here to find yourself not to go out with guys. You need some time alone to figure it out. I was fighting this attraction felling inside. Coincidence. Nothing more. I knew it was more than this but I was just not ready to go out to have fun or whatever other fun things I could have explore here. I was grieving and I wanted to take some time alone. Obviously I picked up the wrong city since Barcelona is a vivid and noisy city. A city where all the fun begins.
Days were just passing by and I was lacking time. Crying not knowing what to do, but I felt something strongly. The feeling saying you have to stay here give yourself more time, which I did. I moved to my fifth place already and was being really exhausted from dragging my luggage all over the city feeling pain in my back, my feet, my muscles…Pain was all over the place. Suffering all the way but I kept going. God is on my side something will come out at the end, I kept saying to myself. The heat was becoming unbearable and this was also one of the reasons I ran from Germany. Sun I needed sun, sun energized me otherwise I become depressed.
Then it hit me. I still had his phone number so I picked up my Sony and add him on Whatsapp. I stared at the number for some time asking myself why do I want to send him a message. While I was thinking my hand was already typing Spanish letters and few moments later we had a beach date the next day. I just needed the sun and the sea. Nothing else. When I finished the message I just sighed and fell asleep instantly.
My mind was blurry, empty, I was miserable and wanted to relax. I was not thinking about anything, I was just guided by something divine. Such a weird feeling when your mind is empty but you keep doing things. Anyway the Encounter day came and I came early which I never do, I am always late. I thought guys are never late, so it was a bit strange for me, and I was already preparing to leave when I saw him running toward my direction, usually smiling as I remembered the last time I saw him. He was wearing some winter hat and had the tiniest legs I have ever seen. Don’t forget my emotional overeating habits. When I saw him I was ashamed of myself. Damn, I already don’t like him, haha.
OMG, is this guy eating anything?, I asked myself. The questions were gone out my head and I just tried to relax and enjoy the moment. I have never truly enjoyed the moment and this was my big shot so I pushed myself to feel it for real. Always worried about the future, overthinking everything. So we picked up the train and I left him to lead us to his favorite beach place. I was scared and had no idea where are we going but his everlasting smile on his pimpled face said to me I was safe. Walking, running we kept changing the tempo when we went out from the train because he had to work later on so we hadn’t had so much time.
Castelldefels and his amazing long promenade. This beach took my heart. To be honest I guess any beach would take my heart how desperate was I for beach and sun moment.
I had no idea this beach will become my favorite beach in Barcelona. Sand, sun, sea, and I am happy.
While discussing about our favorite things we discovered we have things in common. But still I didn’t want to allow myself to feel anything. I didn’t like him that much, he is just an ordinary guy, nothing special. I will never forget the moment that shock me the most. We were lying on our towels and at one point of time he put his arm around my neck. I shockingly couldn’t move and was scared thinking he better not touch me.
But I said nothing and tried not to move. I was being very reserved and didn’t want to talk a lot about me not even to show any emotions. I was just trying to cover up my all present sadness. Seeing him being all wild smiling while playing in the sea, reminded me of myself long time ago. Then I asked myself what happened to me?, why wasn’t I happy any longer?
After 4 hours of joyful swimming moments it was time to go home. I do not believe in coincidence, a very important fact. So the next moment that happened it just can’t be one. Now when I turn back, I believe it was meant to be for us to meet.
He got up, picked up his stuff, helped with mine and then he started walking again very fast and me following him. Out of the blue he took my hand and started running while singing I wanna runaway.
He blew my mind , put me in a state of shock and left some really heavy emotions, like knowing he is something special.
Afterwards I had a flash of memory seeing myself in Germany listening to this song before I met him just can’t be coincidence. Like WTF just happened? How he knew? This guy changed all my being in just one crucial moment.
How many of you experienced the same feeling? Did you ever ran into similar situation? What do you think happened next? Follow my story in the next post.
Until the next one.