Life in Germany got me depressed

MY LIFE IN GERMANY

Did we arrive already? I kept asking my guy every ten minutes.

”You just asked me few minutes ago”, he replied.

“Oh… you are right.., I forgot”, I spoke heavily.

I was trying to sleep…My whole body hurt so much. I am the type of girl that lives on the move. Only dynamic environment can keep me going.

Man I was so exhausted I looked like sh**. Even more I felt like.. you know. .Having no idea what  to expect put me in an anxious mode…

 

Finding a job in Germany sounded like a great opportunity. Everything is better then this negative surrounding I was exposed to. I just wanted to get away. At the end I did 5 months an intensive German course. Working 24h on my laptop just to save enough money for at least 2 months ( I was not a beggar and wanted to do all by myself without asking my parents for a cent). By the time of departure I was so exhausted from working I did not have energy to think this really through. Just go with the flow. I still  vividly remember myself years backwards saying I will never go to Germany because all the Balkan people go there to make a living. And here I was sitting in the bus, unable to breath properly, smelling the bus gasses and wondering how is this 21-hour ride going to end.

Upon the arrival when everything was blurry and new I felt just good. Which is something I used to say a lot to my friends, that good is not good enough. You have to be awesome. Firstly we had a lunch and meeting with the company that was in charge for us and our staying in this little charming city named Oldenburg. First two weeks past like a wind. We explored city with our bikes and everything for a second seemed like it is going to be very well. They gave us a big cozy apartment, nice decorated and with a big terrace. I was so happy when I saw it and thought that is it I am ready to start a new life here far away from my home. Until I started working for real I was very well packed in my comfort box and did not want to go out of it. My box was comfy and I was about to start my fashion blog finally .I was saying this for at least 2 years and done nothing regarding my blog. Hey, at least I had some plans. Due to my new fresh ideas every day I was sometimes (read every day) lost and unable to extract what it is that I really want. Like I have so many things I enjoy doing and just can’t decide. Is it failure that I fear or what it is? Just might be. Who knows what was in my head.

Anyway I was kind a happy and pleased for two weeks. Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted to conquer the world. And then she started working in Germany.

My creativity, my enthusiasm, my back…all went to hell…They were the master and I was the servant. After two days I came back home crying stones not tears. First I thought to myself ok maybe I just need some time. I can do this, I kept saying. They were pushing me over the edge and I was just unable to accept their tempo. I even started overthinking all that program they offered. Finally when the boss said I have to be ready to work up to 13-hours per day I thought to myself, you will never see me again…

People there had no emotions. I remember the looks on their staff faces. Everybody seemed like robots, almost never smiling. Even worse they kept pushing you without even helping you when you needed it the most. All that made me think I was not built for this shit. I will never forget one day I came to work and  was cleaning the restaurant and preparing the tables, making it all pretty for our guests.., when my tears started falling on the plates unable to withhold my sorrow anymore. Quickly I cleaned the plate but in the meanwhile broke few glasses, all that while my colleges were smiling from the kitchen desk. There was a time I even started shaking while working since I decided to work just to get paid and then I will leave this horrible place. Germans have great work ethic nothing to state against but man they really act like they have no emotions. And that is ok for people who just came in Germany to make money. People who want more from life, high educated individuals who are searching for a meaningful life they have nothing to do in Germany. It has actually nothing to do with education since I believe it is the heart that matters the most.

Germany can be a step on someone’s journey not a destination. You have no idea how many friends I made there and  I am still in touch with. People from Spain, Venezuela.. Many of them stayed and fought their own fights. It was hard for them too, I know them very well. But I was relieved I finally quit my job and decided to find something else. So I still worked for entire month , counting the days until the end of that torture. I was eating junk food a lot, gaining weight and became depressed along the way. I cried every single day like somebody close to me died. I was miserable and unhappy and even my boyfriend did not know what to do with me or how to help me. Then started happening some weird sh**. Our neighbors wanted to get rid of us. One time I came home, my back hurt like hell and only wanted to take a shower when I heard a guy above our apartment yelling at me to close the water because he wants to sleep. Very unpleasant experience and it was like 11 PM. On top of that we received a notification  the other day from the city government that one of the neighbors complained on the noise we make. It was stated that we listen music too loud and that we close our doors too loud. I was shocked by this note. Our renter came and she said I know it is not your fault they always make trouble when there is somebody in my apartment.

Is this a freaking joke to somebody?! At least nobody complained on how miserable we looked like.

Basically our next move was to find another apartment. Ain’t gonna be easy I promise to you, God was mocking to me. I felt like there is no way out. Before we moved there was also one case that surely showed us how undesirable guests/neighbors we were in the neighborhood. We were just fresh graduated and only wanted to make a better life for ourselves. Why were people there so eager to stop us on our intentions? By now I still don’t have any answer to this question. Now it doesn’t matter anymore. Anyways one day before going to work I was sitting on the couch and listening to music (not loud), trying to relax before work. Suddenly I saw a sack of trash in our backyard. I asked my guy did he take the trash out and after he said he did, I stumbled.

”Wait, how is this possible, I am seeing the trash in front of our doors for God’s sake?” I shockingly replied.

He stood up and watched it with hesitation. I did not move from the couch because I was too lazy. Either way I am going to walk a lot at my job so I am saving my non-existing energy for later.

I bawled my eyes out and said disturbingly: “No way this old lady threw it back in our yard”!!! She lived next to our door and I am pretty sure she put a demand on us while always when we passed through our yard she was trying to hide behind the walls.

” I just might did not recycle it properly”, he said heavily.

“So she wanted to make this clear to us? “She is a bloody witch!”, I was almost screaming.

What kind of freaky person takes out your garbage and puts it back in your yard? To cut the story short we moved out to another apartment, a shared house to be more specific.

When I first entered there I felt a horrible smell like there are pigs nearby not humans. After entering the kitchen and the mess I found I swore I will rather die than cook in here. And the ants were everywhere. I felt I will throw up at one point. If you think this is all it’s not. The room was completely empty. We had no bed we could sleep on. It was really devastating experience at that time and my depression was on the rise. Even the summer weather was more like in winter and I was freezing myself. Like where am I?

Thank God we had a girl who helped us on a second floor with her spare mattress. If she hadn’t had any where would we sleep on? And we also found one chair we could use for putting stuff on. A chair and a mattress in the room. Nothing else guys. None. Nula. Zero. This is a nightmare and I will wake up very soon and everything will be fine. I did not wake up. I couldn’t even sleep on a small mattress with almost no space. At that time I was already unemployed and searched for a job.

I was reading and reading, searching and had no idea what to do. I saw he is not happy quite much but I was so self oriented that I did not even ask him how is his work. I sensed he does not want to talk about it so I kept my mouth shut.

One day he came from work and found me listening to Alan Walker and his famous “ I wanna run away” song. I was like possessed and listened this song all day long. As he entered and saw me wiping my tears, he threw away his backpack in the corner and sat next to me.

I was trying to be normal but it was 2 weeks already since I have quit my job and since I did not came back to normal. Clearly we were both quite unhappy.

He sighed, “Listen we have to talk seriously”.

Still fat, still eating, still miserable. I hated the weather, the sun, the coldness, the dark, the north. I hated the nice smiling photos I made while being there, representing the pure fakeness of positivity. It was a well covered lie, because who wants to talk about their own shitty unhappy life? Everybody wants to hear good news, good stuff. Life is good and nice, right? Bull***. Life is a struggle if you want more from life, you have to hustle you have to bleed but not in Germany.

“You made me lose my temper!” ,he shouted suddenly. My tears had frozen on my face, scared of the loudest voice I have never heard so far.

“Listen”, he said angrily,” I was being patient  long enough”, “I can’t stand you crying anymore”.

“We have to talk about our future”, he stared into my sad eyes.

“We are both unhappy in this relationship and I can’t take it anymore”.

” If I am not enough for you to be happy then you have to find something to fulfill you, otherwise we can’t sustain ourselves positively.”

“I came here with a purpose and no matter how hard it gets I will stay.”

Many years after I realized we were just maintaining our relationship for different reasons. He still believed I will someday fit into his image of me, and me staying there only because he knew how to listen. The all mighty love was gone, while we where pursuing the meaning.

Now at this mattress I am faced with a life changing decision. I can stop crying and act like nothing bad happened or I can turn on the new leaf and clear my head off.

“What was your biggest dream so far”, he asked me suspiciously? I took a breath and said rapidly, Spain.

“Now there we are”, he said. “So what are you planning to do now”, he asked disinterestedly?

“Maybe I should take a vacation and clear my head out and see my next move”,I stammered.

“That’s a good decision”. “Now stick to that and start planning”, he waved his head and sailed back into his gaming world.

So I decided I will do a trip to Spain.

“Will you just stop listening to this depressing music.!!!”, he shouted when he came back from work. My eyes were all filled with tears while I was sketching my trip to Spain.

“I think we should break up before you go to Spain”, he said with no emotion shown on his face. My face was frozen and I opened my jaws. I knew we were unhappy for some time but I did not know this was so serious. I just kept focusing on myself and didn’t notice we were all burned out.

”I am just over with fighting for you”, he sighed.

”No matter what I do you will never be happy with me.

”I tried my best, I helped you to overcome your past issues, and I think you are now good to go on your own”.

”You have to figure this out by yourself, I am done fighting.”

I felt pain in my throat while suffocating in tears. The calmness I saw on his face when this words came out from his mouth surprised me the most. He could have a fire going on inside but he was so serious and hard to read.

I said to him, whispering :” I don’t agree with what you have said, but I have to go because of me”.

I was scared like never in my life, but something was pushing me to go through this experience. I felt deep down this is what I need right now.


All my focus was in the upcoming trip and I was delaying my pain for later. I just wanted to stop crying once for all, knowing this is not going to be easy but I kept going. All the books I have read about having faith in the process, about believing everything is going to be fine, now are going to be tested in real life, by me.

I was dragging my luggage down to the bus station, he followed my steps when I saw I almost missed the bus. I hurried up, gave my luggage and turn around to him not knowing how to say goodbye. I didn’t know what will happen to us, I just knew this is the right path, this is what I secretly wished for more then 10 years, I should be happy., I was saying to myself. I smiled heavily, gave him a hug when I entered the bus and started shaking like I am having a fever.

Sometimes you have to be selfish and do what is best for you, not to stay in your comfort zone. That is what I have done staying with him. I was too afraid to go alone on my own and he seemed just like the right choice, although he was never the right choice. We have been functioning good as a really good friends and as lovers there was just something missing out. None of us wanted to admit this, so life had to hit us really hard to see that very clearly.

Looking around the bus, hearing the noise and screams, wondering if anybody can actually feel this is my first hard decision I had to take in all of my life. My throat was painful, I couldn’t breath, felt like a big stone just stuck in my throat and was unable to get out. The only voice I heard at this painful moment was the beating of my heart and my running nose. I couldn’t even move it was so crowdy and I just wanted to scream.

The last image I had memorized when the bus finally took me was his calmed face and his hand in the air waving into my direction…

Now I know this is a lot to take and a lot of lines, but I hope you were able to read it until the end. I can’t wait to hear how many of you had similar experience or did make a decision that completely changed your life although you had no idea what are you doing?

Leave me a comment or Dm me on Instagram. I want to know.

Follow me and read about my trip to Spain.

You have no idea how messed up my life is/was. I am still hustling.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Love,

Tasha

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